Memories Of A Mommy: Sacred Silence

Friday, June 4, 2010

Sacred Silence

Sacred silence, Holy Ocean, gentle water, washing over me; Help me listen, Holy Spirit. Come and speak to me...

God my Father, Christ my brother, Holy Spirit, sanctifying me; Lord, I'm sorry, please forgive me. Come and set me free.

Holy Mary, Gentle mother, God's pure vessel, praying for me; Saints and Angels, all in heaven, come and be with me...

We sang this song at Mass this past Sunday, and it was like somebody was speaking the words in my heart... How do you make the decision that somebody's life isn't worth trying for? That they have given up? That YOU should give up on them?

God, I'm sorry, for every wrong decision I've made in the care for James... Please guide us and be with us so we will know when the time is right, when you have chosen to take James home...

7 comments:

AnonymousJune 4, 2010 at 12:05 PM
Don't ever doubt that you are making the right decisions for James. God has put in your heart what He cannot put into words. He has been leading you all along.
James knows God has given him the perfect mother to make his life as perfect as possible. I love you with all my heart and soul. Hugs and Kisses Mom
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susan olshuffJune 4, 2010 at 12:57 PM
Your courage is nothing less than a Divine Voice within you, choosing the path that is James's to walk in a greater perfection than we can imagine. Your strength to bear the unbearable is an expression of the Perfection that inspires the rest of us profoundly. Bless you, Nicole. Bless you all.
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UnknownJune 4, 2010 at 5:45 PM
Bless you, sweet parents, as you seek God's best for this beautiful child. I agree that God has been helping make decisions all along the way.
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Noah's MiracleJune 9, 2010 at 8:17 AM
We pray for your little James, our son is special needs too, and we know what is like to be right where you are right now. God is always there, always. We send you so much love and comfort during these difficult days.

Love,
Stacy, Chris & Little Noah
http://www.noahsmiralce.blogspot.com
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AnonymousJune 17, 2010 at 11:10 AM
Love and prayers for your family and strength for your journey. ~Tracy
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KerriJune 22, 2010 at 2:42 PM
Oh Nichole ... being a parent of a child with special needs is never easy and to make decisions on their behalf is something that as a parent, you can only hope that every decision is the 'right' decision. You and Joe have only done what you thought was best for James always. With all of the love you have showed him along the way, there can never be any wrong. We love you.
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kelseyJune 24, 2010 at 10:50 PM
I'm new to your blog (referred through James' Facebook page) and am so heartbroken for you. We lost our first baby. Spent his entire 20 days with us at The Children's Hospital in Denver. How hard these times must be for you and your family. And I too have to say, with the love you have for him, there is no wrong in your choices. I'll be thinking and praying for you and your family.
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James' Story

I am starting this blog to help family and friends follow our family as we go through the journey that is James' life.

James was born April 22, 2009 at 3:28a.m., after 9 hours of natural labor... He was 7lbs 8oz and 20" long and had the blondest hair you've ever seen!!!

Shortly after the doctor got him to start crying and breathing on his own, his heart stopped and he stopped breathing. They resuscitated him in less than a minute of CPR...

Little did we know our journey was just beginning.

James was born with cataracts. Something that was unusual enough by itself. His doctor (who is AMAZING) referred us to a pediatric eye doctor. She found, by way of CT scan, that James was missing his corpus callosum (the midline of the brain) which, I guess, is pretty common. She decided she wanted an MRI to make sure his optic nerves and pituitary gland were normal. The results were devastating.

James was diagnosed on May 28, 2009 with Septo-Optic Dysplasia. In the long run, it would mean poor vision, learning and developmental disabilities, possible seizures, possible endocrine problems.

We went to Denver to see our first round of specialists in June 2009. We saw genetics, neurology and endocrinology. From the first initial visits and bloodwork, everything looked promising. No endocrine problems, few developmental delays at this point (he was only 6 weeks old at this point), and the genetic bloodwork came back with no flags. WOOHOO!!!

Two weeks later, James ended up in the hospital for 10 days. It started with a fever and dehydration. He wouldn't eat. All of a sudden he was back to his birth weight. They placed an NG feeding tube down his nose so we could get SOMETHING into him!!! He started gaining weight and they set us up with occupational therapy for when we got home.

Six weeks later, James was sick. He was having home health nurses come 3 times a week to check his weight gain progress. At one of these visits the nurse said his lungs didn't sound well. We took him to the ER. They sent us to a different hospital (the same one he spent 10 days in 6 weeks before), it has a pediatric floor, our local hospital does not... They ran a few tests and some blood work. James had RSV/pneumonia. IN AUGUST... The doctor was pretty stumped, it wasn't the right "season."

It all went downhill pretty fast after that. James would spend 4-5 days in the hospital with these lung infections, come home for 2-3 days, then end up back in the hospital. He just could not shake these "bugs." He started on oxygen at the beginning of August, and he was just getting worse and worse, requiring more and more oxygen.

This went on for another month. Finally, on September 15, 2009, his liver swelled. His doctor was very concerned that something more was going on that they just were not equipped to find and treat. She flight for lifed him (and me) to Denver Childrens Hospital. This is where our nightmare truly began...

For those of you who have never been to a Childrens Hospital, let me explain how it works. It is a teaching hospital, so there is a team assigned to each patient. James had the blue team. Each team consists of the attending MD, the fellow MD, the resident MD and students... So, when the doctors would come in first thing in the morning, there was usually 6-12 of them, depending on if it was the weekend. Each specialist team also had the same amount of doctors. The most wonderful thing about this, lots of brains working to figure 1 problem.

The first week we were there was total HELL... It seemed they would do a new test every day and every day find a new problem. His heart, his liver, his hearing, seizures... The list seemed never-ending. FINALLY, about 2 weeks into his hospital stay, one of the neurologist residents found a genetic disorder that linked every little thing that James had, all the way to his blond hair!!! Unfortunately, there was no way to test for this genetic syndrome, we just had to wait for all the test results to come back negative for all the other tests we had already done.

On October 10, 2009, James underwent surgery to place a G-tube for feedings and they also took some muscle and liver tissue for genetic biopsies. He had grown very weak and wasn't able to keep any of his food down and was losing weight fast, again... They, of course, prepared us for the worst. Because of his low muscle tone, dehydration and because they really weren't sure what was wrong, James may not make it out of surgery, and if he does, he may need a ventilator for the rest of his life in order to breathe. James proved them wrong and came out stronger than when he had gone in. He shocked us all...

We were at Children's for a total of 5 weeks. About 5 days before we left, one of the head geneticists came to talk to us. James does have this genetic syndrome, it's the ONLY thing that explains EVERYTHING. It is called Vici Syndrome (veechee).

Children with Vici have a life expectancy of 6 months-3 years. Although one study showed a child that lived til age 6!!! So, now what do we do???

We give James the best life any baby could ask for, whether he's here for 2 years or 20 years. He is OUR baby, our Sweet baby James. We try to give him all the love he can hold and all the kisses he can handle. We give each other strength that we hope he feels and holds on to. We sing to him, we dance with him, we tell him we want him to stay... We try to be the best parents we can be for him (and for his brother, too, of course). God gave him to us for a reason... We may never know what that reason truly is, but we are not going to let GOD down.

Memories Of A Mommy

Friday, June 4, 2010

Sacred Silence

7 comments:

James' Story

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