Memories Of A Mommy: Just another day...

Friday, March 19, 2010

Just another day...

I am having a really bad week... I don't know what's different this week as opposed to every other week, but... I've been crying a lot. I've reached the point where I feel like everything I'm doing is completely WRONG... Like God made a mistake when he "chose" me to take care of James, and Joseph for that matter.

I can't keep up with laundry, dishes, etc... I would rather sit on the couch and watch a movie with the boys than clean... I don't think any person really LIKES to clean, but "normal" people find a reason to get off their a$$es and I just can't seem to find the motivation anymore. Am I depressed, um probably... Overstressed? Maybe just a little. I just don't get it... I want it done, I do... But I just can't drag myself to do it. I'm worn out, exhausted, depressed, sad, mad, frustrated, pissed off, angry, annoyed, irritated, resentful and every other feeling you can imagine...

My Mom is trying to help us get more organized. But I just don't know where to start... Maybe I do just need her to kick me in the tush to get me started... I don't know. I am feeling better today than I was two days ago... I cried all day on Wednesday. Don't know why... Joe would ask what was wrong, and I honestly and truly couldn't say. Maybe I just needed a good cryfest week... We'll see... I hope it just keeps getting better rather than worse. I know I'll have my "days," but hopefully not weeks like this one. Oh well.

1 comment:

AnonymousMarch 20, 2010 at 10:52 AM
You have a RIGHT to feel ALL of these things (and than some). You are NOT alone...as lonely as this feels right now, I hope you know that you are NOT alone. You and Joe are BOTH doing a phenominal job with both boys...God couldn't have chosen any better for either of them. If I could wave a magic wand and take away all of your pain, grief, saddness and make our sweet baby James all better I would have done it months and months ago...but since I cannot change what is, I can only try to help when, where and how you want me to. I love and adore you and I know you are ONE HELLUVA woman, mom and daughter...I hope you find peace...awake and asleep...I love you so much
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James' Story

I am starting this blog to help family and friends follow our family as we go through the journey that is James' life.

James was born April 22, 2009 at 3:28a.m., after 9 hours of natural labor... He was 7lbs 8oz and 20" long and had the blondest hair you've ever seen!!!

Shortly after the doctor got him to start crying and breathing on his own, his heart stopped and he stopped breathing. They resuscitated him in less than a minute of CPR...

Little did we know our journey was just beginning.

James was born with cataracts. Something that was unusual enough by itself. His doctor (who is AMAZING) referred us to a pediatric eye doctor. She found, by way of CT scan, that James was missing his corpus callosum (the midline of the brain) which, I guess, is pretty common. She decided she wanted an MRI to make sure his optic nerves and pituitary gland were normal. The results were devastating.

James was diagnosed on May 28, 2009 with Septo-Optic Dysplasia. In the long run, it would mean poor vision, learning and developmental disabilities, possible seizures, possible endocrine problems.

We went to Denver to see our first round of specialists in June 2009. We saw genetics, neurology and endocrinology. From the first initial visits and bloodwork, everything looked promising. No endocrine problems, few developmental delays at this point (he was only 6 weeks old at this point), and the genetic bloodwork came back with no flags. WOOHOO!!!

Two weeks later, James ended up in the hospital for 10 days. It started with a fever and dehydration. He wouldn't eat. All of a sudden he was back to his birth weight. They placed an NG feeding tube down his nose so we could get SOMETHING into him!!! He started gaining weight and they set us up with occupational therapy for when we got home.

Six weeks later, James was sick. He was having home health nurses come 3 times a week to check his weight gain progress. At one of these visits the nurse said his lungs didn't sound well. We took him to the ER. They sent us to a different hospital (the same one he spent 10 days in 6 weeks before), it has a pediatric floor, our local hospital does not... They ran a few tests and some blood work. James had RSV/pneumonia. IN AUGUST... The doctor was pretty stumped, it wasn't the right "season."

It all went downhill pretty fast after that. James would spend 4-5 days in the hospital with these lung infections, come home for 2-3 days, then end up back in the hospital. He just could not shake these "bugs." He started on oxygen at the beginning of August, and he was just getting worse and worse, requiring more and more oxygen.

This went on for another month. Finally, on September 15, 2009, his liver swelled. His doctor was very concerned that something more was going on that they just were not equipped to find and treat. She flight for lifed him (and me) to Denver Childrens Hospital. This is where our nightmare truly began...

For those of you who have never been to a Childrens Hospital, let me explain how it works. It is a teaching hospital, so there is a team assigned to each patient. James had the blue team. Each team consists of the attending MD, the fellow MD, the resident MD and students... So, when the doctors would come in first thing in the morning, there was usually 6-12 of them, depending on if it was the weekend. Each specialist team also had the same amount of doctors. The most wonderful thing about this, lots of brains working to figure 1 problem.

The first week we were there was total HELL... It seemed they would do a new test every day and every day find a new problem. His heart, his liver, his hearing, seizures... The list seemed never-ending. FINALLY, about 2 weeks into his hospital stay, one of the neurologist residents found a genetic disorder that linked every little thing that James had, all the way to his blond hair!!! Unfortunately, there was no way to test for this genetic syndrome, we just had to wait for all the test results to come back negative for all the other tests we had already done.

On October 10, 2009, James underwent surgery to place a G-tube for feedings and they also took some muscle and liver tissue for genetic biopsies. He had grown very weak and wasn't able to keep any of his food down and was losing weight fast, again... They, of course, prepared us for the worst. Because of his low muscle tone, dehydration and because they really weren't sure what was wrong, James may not make it out of surgery, and if he does, he may need a ventilator for the rest of his life in order to breathe. James proved them wrong and came out stronger than when he had gone in. He shocked us all...

We were at Children's for a total of 5 weeks. About 5 days before we left, one of the head geneticists came to talk to us. James does have this genetic syndrome, it's the ONLY thing that explains EVERYTHING. It is called Vici Syndrome (veechee).

Children with Vici have a life expectancy of 6 months-3 years. Although one study showed a child that lived til age 6!!! So, now what do we do???

We give James the best life any baby could ask for, whether he's here for 2 years or 20 years. He is OUR baby, our Sweet baby James. We try to give him all the love he can hold and all the kisses he can handle. We give each other strength that we hope he feels and holds on to. We sing to him, we dance with him, we tell him we want him to stay... We try to be the best parents we can be for him (and for his brother, too, of course). God gave him to us for a reason... We may never know what that reason truly is, but we are not going to let GOD down.

Memories Of A Mommy

Friday, March 19, 2010

Just another day...

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James' Story

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